July 22nd 2017 11:45 PM
I woke up with feeling someone hit me over the head with a hammer and achy muscles in part of neck for some reason but something tells me that an encounter with some odd flying craft that followed me around last night at the shore and basically had an AI/alien face off with me or whatever the hell the things that in the air that stalk me wherever I go before morphing into some fake air craft and flying away was most likely related. The extent to the never ending harassment program is quite fucked in a nutshell. The stress from it is sort of back firing now that the toll it's taking on brain cells is quite evident as I can hardly remember anything I need to remember if it isn't driven into my head and I no longer have the ability to care much. Otherwise today I had some bread which I'll probably also have tomorrow and sat around feeling like shit till it was time to go to work. Work was just that and it was another day. I tried to be happy that if thing not only go well but go very well I may not be there much longer and it's down to just holding it down a little longer. Until then my motivation for it besides basic income is a "keep the change" copper penny hoarding fest. Currently from work I'm too beat to do much of anything like usual and tomorrow it's going to be more of the same. Though I wonder what Panera's reaction is going to be when someone inevitably finds out the tomato basil loaf almost every weekend guy is now working there and how I'm going to explain how my stress overburdened ass just can't stop one of the only grounding eating disordered activities I got. But I can't even gain much weight besides when it sits in there anyways so sometimes if I over do it I'm still ok on those bad weekends like this one. Too lazy to plug in my ps4 and I'm too tired to be movement sharp enough to play well so I'm just listening to some harsh noise about to get to bed soon.
July 21st 2017 10:27 PM
Today all in all ended up being a bit of a let down and plus I been up since 4:30 AM so I'm tired as hell. I got home just in time to make some bread dough for tomorrow so I don't gotta buy any bread too. Then I just played some games and waited around till it was time to head out again. Before that I went to the buffet for no good reason again but early morning shifts don't exactly have me thinking too clearly after. Plus the fact that this coming week, I have a chance at something new has me as unmotivated to go to work where I am now as ever. Just wanna fast forward to that Thursday and get that down. I have some decent hours at my current though so at least I'm making ok money still, I try to be happy till then I still at least keep it coming in. Just gotta keep it steady a little while longer, I keep my head on right and stay healthy till then this new job is all mine. Fast forwarding to my night at the shore I didn't find much worth it. I did keep some very strange looking pull tab I felt some sort of importance in holding on to for some reason and the whitest quartz crystal I ever seen come out of the ground. It was a nice night on the upside and I enjoyed just being down there. Probably would have done better if I was getting more tired by the minutes as the night went on. As I type this I'm struggling to do so and I still got some time before bed time. I'm not expecting it to be an easy ride to Thursday though next week knowing what generally goes down in my life when I'm trying to do anything with it. I expect crazy family drama, ridiculous work situations, and an all out bad weather assault on my well being. But it's whatever I'm too tired for anything right now.
July 20th 2017 10:42 PM
Today began as I thought it would but something was coming that gave me more hope than I ever had in a while. After breakfast I got a call from Panera wanting an interview, initially what she said about the Shelton and Derby location being connected and sometimes trading bakers around but I'm willing to take anything. I'm not saying no, I don't care what anyone in my family tells me because my mother already made it wholly obvious no matter what she is going to panic and try to not make it work out since she's probably trying to keep me down. Not letting that happen again, I'll sit around on a road at a bus stop for a couple hours for all I care if I gotta make things work. She has no say. Next Thursday we'll see what happens and though I'm anxious now I have good vibes. I went out later and it was somewhat story outside but very warm and perfect for my mood. Oddly enough this feeling was the same sort of feeling I got when on a night just like this last year I got a call from where I work now that I absolutely despise since not only have my stalkers infiltrated and almost fucked it up multiple times now leaving me holding on by a string and turning it more into some den of organized stalking and harrasment wasps (which ny the way I'm done with going into detail on this depressing shit I go through on my main blog, making a new page). Down to what I was up to and the music I was listening to, everything is always flowing into something else in sync. I'm back somewhere now familiar but I learned a lot more. This is now just another quiet gateway. Steps taking place in odd sequences. I remember now, this is movement. This feeling, this vibe.
July 19th 2017 10:30 PM
It was another strange day today, some people that wanted stuff in the house came and took a lot of it leaving the place feeling even more empty. I didn't have anything much to eat during the but I think past the mornig what was in me came out. I had some peas later in the evening just fine so I'm sure I'm clear. I did go to gamestop today to trade in something I had since they just got what I wanted in so I just went for it before it was too late. I'm a little too tired to play much but I might play a little diabolo 3. Too tired to really even enjoy any anime but I started something new last night somehow and by the way on my new monitor the best quality looks perfect. Never watched any on my new one yet. I'm just ready to relax more tomorrow and get work over with on friday and go do some metal detecting on the shore. All I know is I think since I didn't go to that family memebers place this week I now have an easier exit to not go again to experience this all over again because I'm sick of being poisoned and my time is to valuable for this bullshit, I'm too old to waste anymore. Should just enjoy myself anyways because when I feel like I'm being pushed into exile from society by my oppressors bit by bit. No one to relate to you and everyone who can is just some channel on youtube out of the millions of organized harrasment/ti channels which most are ridiculously fake. Anything real gets pushed into obscurity and downvoted to hell. Yeah guess this page is for anyone who stumbles across it in some internet time capsule any time from now as a vague non-direct account of whatever this science experiment of a life I live is. Maybe I should keep anything on it separate, I haven't developed this whole place much but I should. Experienced a lot of hold ups on the way after initially making it when I learned HTML. We always get comment deleted, can't even have a voice. All on your clinging to every next paycheck like it could be your last and who knows where you go with yourself after it stops coming in besides relentlessly trying. I try to be focused on what I have now and continuously learn how to live easier. Living from little peace of mind to little peace of mind and what I can look forward to. Just hoping I get something good on friday, I'll probably have a good amount of time to detect and I think tomorrow I can also get a haircut. Don't wanna cause that's more money out of my pocket but I have too or I'm gonna regret it after. And as I'm typing this I see it's too late for anything much now but whatever this week before this point was already a waste because I can't even trust my family cooking for me anymore. But thanks for it in the winter a little I guess. But funny thinking more about this page now when I doing the same thing this weekend I was when I first developed it. Such interesting sync going on in my life that I see every day of it with what happens. Everything always flows into something else.
July 18th 2017 9:05 PM
Today was more relaxed and I felt somewhat better even if I was on the tired side. In the early afternoon my mother had to go to Walmart so I tagged along mostly just to check the coin star for spare change and ended up buying some IGT slot machine game for pc that didn't work on linux at all under Wine or in my virtual Windows 7. But technically I'm not really out of $20 since tomorrow someone is paying me the amount for something in my room before I move. When I was in there I was surprised to see Diabolo 3 on the top of the shelf of mostly untoouched PC games there next to Warcraft, must be pretty popular underground. It's even pretty active on ps4 but I don't plan to have anymore than a year of psn because I don't so much multiplayer gaming and I don't plan on getting into the Final Fantasy MMO that people say is terrible to jump in at this point anyways. And I can't even play Warcraft but I don't think I would be interested in that either. Never mind that I don't even think there's enough content in Diabolo 3 to make it worth psn alone. Gotta be careful with my money too and keep in mind games are just something to do with my mind and hands when I'm otherwise bored out of mind. I went out later for some groceries and coffee and that was my night. Ended up getting more peanuts too cause they were on sale with my 5 pound bag of bread flour making for a heavy trip up the hill. I'm still feeling sort of beat but I think I'm just a little tired, have been getting to bed later than I should lately for reasons out of my control. And waiting on another job call if I get one is also on my mind, I don't see why I wouldn't be considered since I have all the qualifications and it's probably rare anyone wants to be baking into the early AM. Meanwhile I'm still holding on to my current job for dear life even though it is just killing my soul now. Been they're a little over a year and now I'm feeling as lost as I was when I just recruited into the place. Money goes fast and one mistake could cost you all of it if things go the wrong way in your life if your in my position especially. Yeah I have a roof over my head but my supports are getting old and I'm surrounded by sharks. When I move and get settled in besides fighting to keep my ground I gotta push in other directions for connections to people and a beneficial relationship for both of whoever is out there and I. But they would need to also be comfortable with my situation and the fact I don't have a car or drive. Speaking of lifestyle I also don't think I can live with a meat and egg eater, maybe dairy if they try to avoid all else which limits things. If I did I probably spend a lot of that time feeling quite disgusted with my partner and things just wouldn't end up working out. Sure it's not as hard as it seems, plenty of people out there like me but we'll see if it can easily go more than skin and base personality deep.
July 17th 2017 11:59 PM
Sorry to whoever the hell reads this (you know including "them") for not keeping up but because of work my life has been stressful just holding on since every day it's just been near disaster after near disaster to get me fired but so far I'm still doing it. Even my shitty 3 hour pay shift today was a total work mobbing nightmare. What gets me is that inside and out of work they never get sick of it, literally the same bullshit every day. Like they have absolutely nothing better to do all day long than parade around me acting like a bunch of fools, it's almost flattering. I don't even know what they're trying to do anymore but I need to keep trying to get back up work behind the scenes before it's all over where I currently am. Lately I seem to be getting into harsh noise again, I seemed to have found in my endless stress from this all some sort of peace in it. I been playing too many video games but I think I found a late night home in Diabolo 3 for the time being. Especially like tonight, I felt pretty garbage for a long while because of the fucked food last week at my family members place that was obviously messed with since ever since I had it I been bloated and gross inside (seriously the feeling is signature). It's calming down but I think I'm just about done there since it keeps happening and it's now super obvious. I just shoved a bunch of peas and broccoli down my throat tonight and feel even more bloated now but at least it should push out whatever is left from the night. At least if I keep my herbal intake ridiculously high I can get rid of whatever I get poisoned with when I do very quickly. The rest of this week shouldn't be too bad though, I plan on just relaxing and on friday going to the shore for some metal detecting again finally. I just want to get better and enjoy some bread no strings attached this week all in all. Sick of it all, I really am. I really been wanting to move somewhere else in the state lately but I have no way to, the area I want to be so far removed from this stalking harrasment shit fest that is my life here is simply not an option at the time. I'm just praying I get a response from the other place because I am so done with this bullshit.
July 14th 2017 11:15 PM
Today I had to go into work for 6 AM which I was not happy about, I always do the absolute worst on those shifts. First screw up started right upon hitting the register but luckily it was nothing bad and only slap on the wrist "the fuck is wrong with you?" worthy. If I thought concentrating on the work day and day ahead was hard during the day preparing to and going to work then the morning is that amplified many times. It was only till 2 PM so afterwards I went to the buffet but the food was terrible even by my standards for buffets. It's a place that tends to be you eat there when they just open or don't at all. But I was an idiot and in my morning brain fog I forgot my bank card at home and had to leave to do that after getting home to get my pay. Bought some keno tickets with extra money and won almost nothing but I was out of curiosty trying a different stratagy and it seems large burst over short ranges of games does you best. I just had a need to gamble again and had the room to there. Mohegan Sun has been on my mind and I definitely wanna take a trip again sometime soon. My head overall is pretty foggy today between work and being now sleep deprived with a bit of a headache and insomnia's familiar dull sense of existance in a day dream. Life right now is nothing more than stressful and annoying as if something wants to ruin my life before I even get to move into the new place. Tomorrow I also gotta work and I have some extra money that was given to me left over so I might just buy more bread with it but something tells me what I bought today will have to do if no one can drive me down quick. Maybe I can even just haul my ass down there early because thought I can still feel pain I have infinite endurance. Who knows I'm too work and stress brain fried to think clearly right now. It seems like besides my basic survival the only other thing on my mind is a increasingly desperate desire for positive change in my life for once. Just a miserable ball of hopeless situations, love sickness, and the need to just live somewhere else and especially on my own.
July 11th 2017 11:01 PM
Today felt kinda weird as I spent a lot of it of playing Battlefield 1 on my ps4 but I'm finding that I'm just not a person for shooting games anymore besides maybe some old favorites. I put in Diabolo 3 and I think I'm really gonna love that especially now with multiplayer if anyone much plays. I now literally have to remember what normally having fun playing games feels like because I couldn't even comfortably play for years now because of the terrible TV in the other room. Otherwise I did make an attempt at metal detecting again just because it wasn't doing anything for me just sitting around and I dug a lot of the typical trash but I did find a cool old fishing lure piece I kept and a penny. I want to go back to the shore to metal detect because that was a lot easier and more rewarding. Outside of strange relics I'm mostly digging for coins and silver though. I wasn't too tired but I was a little let down because wanting to do it so bad but not having too many options isn't the best feeling in the world. May go back but further in tomorrow because why not. Later though I had to go over the usual family members place for dinner and it sucked like usual and left me too tired to play anything tonight. At least tomorrow is wednesday already cause this whole week and it's experimenty feel with video games left my head all kinds of scrambled as I tried to find some sort of casual comfort zone. But I think I have and I'm good, now I just need to rest for tomorrow if the night lets me in this humidy combined with how shit I feel from dinner. I feel like this from one night of just somewhat living like an energetic inferior, I can't even begin to imagine what it must feel like to be normal to them. Like is it a so bad it's good sort of deal? I mean they are all serverely mentally and physically disabled by what they consume so it probably comes at the cost of their crucial mental/energy body senses they don't use because they're blocked. Not willing to hurt my head over it, I just want to rest.
July 9th 2017 10:32 AM
Today was at least ok but work was a load of shit like usual as something went wrong but I hope nothing happens to me since it wasn't my fault and no one knows what happened. Probably nothing major but I'm always too up tight about everything. But still no calls from anywhere else and I don't know where else to apply than doing it over again at the usual places and some a little further away. One other employee left so I'm surprised I even survived this long at where I am and saved what I have. I need to look at what I have in what I'm capable of and not in like whatever is considered normal to live on because for me there is some weird glass ceiling I just can't get past set up by something that doesn't want me to progress in all the ways it tries to pull the rug out from under me. Well I also gotta go in tomorrow so I'll see then what's up but I'm not too worried since at least it was an over amount rather than under and not much was lost otherwise in the mystery problem. I was in a good mood today before this though, see this is just what this fucking thing for lack of a better word does to me also noticed it mind controlling people around me too more strongly today to make me look like a fool. Whatever it is it can manipulate everything around me to keep me dragging my ass against it. It's always when I'm really doing the best I can and flowing well that this twisted force of everything bad needs to pull shit like this. Sick of it all, really am. No peace of mind in my life, it's just one disaster after another. If I ever lose this job though I'm willing to bet whats gonna happen is that in just the right time I'm gonna find another one that's just as dumb as this one but worse if forced into fast food and then this is just gonna start all over again. I know the whole story already cause I lived it enough to know at least a lot of the harrassment patterns, it keeps me in like this little stupid bubble and when I actually start doing well and looking to brighter things and saving it pulls it out from under me and down on my ass I go again just with more experience to the games it plays and how not to fall for them ever again before it switches up the rules. Stronger but I gotta keep up the cash flow or no matter what I'm lost.
July 9th 2017 12:19 AM
Today was the first time I ever actually used basil in a loaf of my typical sage herbed bread and surprisingly it was the best thing ever but too bad I couldn't enjoy much since I was rushing my ass to gamestop again only to find for some reason it wasn't open at all today. I kinda expected that today but I'm gonna keep trying tomorrow before work. I mean the machine has to do absolutely everything it can to sabotage everything I do in the most ridiculous ways and speaking of that I found out how I almost lost my job in the past from mystery shorts in the resgister and now I'm pissed because they were trying to do me in by fucking it up at start and leave no trace of them at fault that without the new system at work couldn't be tracked back to them. Looks like now I get to log it all and it won't ever happen again and I can keep my job given I'm as careful as possible. Always trying to fuck me over as expected. Speaking of losing my flow of monopoly money in a fit of realizing how worthless in the long run what I'm making is I dived into another monthly silver purchase that should soon be on the way. It's growing steadily and I now have enough of a foundation once it comes in to say I'm officially one of the few ready to build a new foundation when the rest of humanity is if ever. 1 silver Kruggerand for my pocket on the other side of my great wave coin to enhance my aether output because I also make a fashion statement out of my power and as if I wasn't ridiuclously overpowered enough already with how well my detoxing has been going. My physical ability no longer mostly comes from my body, I barely use much of it anymore besides what it bottlenecks with very hard physical limits in some ways. Today I also found something not worth much but still the beginning of what could be a very tiny gold stack. I found a gold plated quarter somehow and tossed it into a jar. Also hording as fast as I can every coin I can and not giving it up for a long time to try to force junk silver my way. Tomorrow is most likely going to be pretty shit though but I'm still probably going to end up stuffing my face with more bread because somehow despite some good progress today I'm still pissy over today and yesterday. I have a feeling it more has to do with the fact that being so powerful yet being stopped by something so stupid is so offensive to my soul that it just vomits negativity everywhere as a knee jerk reaction to the insult.
July 7th 2017 11:23 PM
I'm sitting here with my head somewhat pounding after a day of doing a split shift at work but at least I got some extra hours. I got to experience a little of the bright day outside by making a trip to gamestop on foot but coming back empty handed because I never carry my government enslavement legal identification card with me so I need to go back tomorrow for a couple games. It doesn't help when buying anything at all that I don't actually age and I have to remember sometimes that I'm 24 in human years. I should enjoy Battlefield 1 and playing over Diabolo 3 with the extra content on ps4 should be fun. Put me in a somewhat sour mood but the way the walk felt on the open road made up for it at the time with such a beautiful open sky and space around me to take in. The second half of work was pretty maddening bullshit but I pulled through. I been actually thinking about making a twitter for short thoughts and maybe something social but I'm not quite sure where to start. Haven't posted here in days because I just went on auto pilot for days from a life bullshit overload. Tomorrow I plan to otherwise just make myself some bread and I need to work again. I also played a little keno again and for some reason been thinking about going back to the casino. I just can't stay away, my life is too boring without reckless gambling since it's just a part of a life where the only way you'll ever have enough to live on is if you get lucky there and otherwise your just dying slower. Since I been so active lately with such a shit diet from such a weridly scheduled work week, I'm sitting here with my stomach aching for something to fill it but I'll just be waiting till some point in the morning.
July 4th 2017 4:04 PM
Today at work was a nightmare but I somehow managed to make it through, no food prepared so I got a couple bagels and another small piece of bread from the grocery store and shoved that down my throat with a little stale rice after. My stomach wasn't happy about that but if I didn't want a worse problem on my hands from eating later then it served it's purpose at the price of a dollar and change. Speaking of something making feel like shit I found that my monitor was especially ever since I started playing on my ps4 more and using the hdmi output so I tested it out and not so surprisingly using the hdmi cable was able to absolutely roast my eyes and mess with my whole body somehow no matter the distance. I plugged in the VGA again and it's like nothing really happened at all and I just got a better monitor. I should have went for a just slightly smaller ultra thin one but this is ok for now. Slowly putting more pieces together of the ehs (electro hyper sensitivity problem I have). It's probably everyone's issue actually but they don't know because their senses aren't open enough due to what they consume. But I am also very tired right now and feeling crappy from who knows what at this point in my sleep deprivation for 2 days now. Only a few hours at the most of any rest at all. Keeping up is pain, my eyes are fire itself, and yet I still don't want to sit all night rolling around in my own misery trying to look at the bright side. The bright side being that I got paid double and then some, I have a bonus coming soon, and I have at least something to look forward to. Plus every pay is one step away from needing form of assistance again financially. One pay is a good while worth of food/my supplements and then some for other things I need. honestly besides some new clothes now and then I'm just not even going to try to go extra anymore. Extra can probably go to verrrryyyy sllloooowwwllly growing my silver stack past what I initially donated to it as saving outside the monetary system. At least by chance last week I stumbled upon one store selling the stuff and generic rounds at that which is now what I'll probably be going for. Just bottom line hard savings for my own reasons.
July 3rd 2017 11:16 PM
Since I'm a total idiot I forgot to prepare rice for tomorrow tonight and all that is in the fridge is a little white rice from today and the only other thing around is white corn tortillas so guess what's for dinner tomorrow. Not willing to stay up all night when I need to sleep at least a little for 4 AM once again. Had some veggies tonight I really didn't want but felt I had to get some more nutrients in me. Right when I get home from work I gotta prepare the bread dough too because I might be somewhere else tomorrow night seeing fireworks. With so little food in me I'm probably gonna be stressed a little more thin tomorrow but I'll live as I always have just to make it to Thursday morning. Currently I think the only thing keeping me calm enough to get through these sweaty, disgusting nights to the morning at all is my rosemary tea. Was gonna watch some new anime but I'm so claustrophobic right now in my life that it feels like the air itself is trying to eat me alive often. You can't see your hand in front your face in this transitional fog. update: or not actually it's only going to be Tuesday, I got mixed up. Who knows I may prepare my rice when I get home but I'll be eating later than usual which I guess is usually whatever for me anyways on tuesdays cause I'm usually at my family's place far later. Things change.
July 3rd 2017 5:17 PM
It's a pretty terribad day and I had a lot of near misses with being screwed over at work because of the almost unreal amount of people I had to deal with. Between that and food I had to spend 9 dollars I never intended to keep my life sucking job and live to do it again tomorrow on a belly of white steamed rice from the nearby chinese place. Which is actually not bad if you just get that and some steamed vegetables I'll admit from any of the local trusted take out places. Even got a little adventrous and tried the ma po tofu from there once and though it was a obvious digestive disaster coming from a hole in the wall place like that but it was a very good one. Back to the toxic hell hole though, I worked there for over a year now but I've never dealt with so many at once yet and I thought I seen it all so far there. I'm of course since typing this home and fed now but I'm pretty stressed knowing I gotta suck it up tomorrow. I'm trying to come up with more ways to slack off and get through almost untouched by any customer orchestrated umemployment disasters. So far I could only find that pretending to need to do a lot off register keeps me away. Bored and dealing with some gross duties but safer and away from them all. I talked to my father and apparently we're gonna bring down my new desk to the new place in my room on wednesday so at least I have a little something to do I can somewhat look forward to since when that's in and assembled I can move it around at will and get more of a visual on what set up looks and feels best. It's almost 6 PM and I don't even know what I wanna do later but though I always have some sort of familiar renewable energy in me my achy work ruined body needs to chill.
July 3rd 2017 4:34 AM
I had to wake up at 4 AM, didn't sleep well as it was and just sweated up my already shitty sheets I gotta replace anyways and now I'm speed drinking my coffee and gotta shave. I feel like aboslute death and am gonna be living this delirious nightmare on repeat tomorrow too. No time to make food and was to lazy to do so last night so it seems I'm gonna pick up a couple stale bagels from the grocery store after my shift and hope it doesn't hurt me too much. Looks like this is gonna be another one of those weeks I pray to be over as soon as possible because this is true misery. So deliriously over burdened with suffering that you don't know what actually hurts and what's just in your head. This is why I couldn't hold down a full time job, would lose my fucking mind less than 2 weeks in from the confusion of my life becoming it and eating away at my senses.
July 2nd 2017 2:27 PM
I actually ended up doing the lawn today and had some other house shit to do and by the time I was all done it was 1 PM and I was already tired from work so I didn't go to the ren faire. I may have if it went on later on the flip side and I could stay much longer because it would actually have been worth it then. Probably wouldn't have minded getting called in for work today since I'm also in tomorrow and tuesday early morning to afternoon. Been getting the worst shifts lately leaving me so tired I don't want to do much of anything. I want to go out and I probably will late into the night on tuesday because of fireworks in town but I feel just as lonely everywhere. Every path around here I've walked now a million times. Nothing comes as a surprise and everything now is just the same bullshit over and over again. Same predictable harrassment, same predictable trips to the store, and same predictable rituals to keep my head up. But sitting at "home" all the time feels even worse, may be moving but only down the road. It's something but I won't really be living different and kicking out bread at least so often will be difficult when your under constant stress from the crushing weight of "the machine" on your life force. I hate to be negative like this but it's difficult right now just because work is so bad for me but I gotta keep the money coming. It's mostly I problem of draining me though, I've learned to deal with the head games everyone there plays with me and keeping my body clean but my schedule is almost random and late or early morning shifts ruin my sleep patterns that already aren't great. Just don't know about a lot at the moment but hang in there with me whoever is reading this if your just some random person and not one of them. I'm still wrapping my head around a lot.