July 1st 2017 1:20 PM
So I had my usual bread and didn't really do much so far but at least try to play some games but it feels like I'm losing interest in that already but hey I tried for the millionth time. Hell I think I'm losing interest in even keeping bread in my diet so much and think this may be one of the last weeks I even make or have it for a long time. I don't even know why I bother keeping this up. Time will tell a lot right now and I don't really know what's just me being tired of everything and what's just me still needing to feel my way around a new way to live.
July 1st 2017 8:07 AM
Been a day and it's just been the usual grind all in all, my pay was decent and it seems that if I do well I'm really gonna be raking in some good money. But I just been feeling an empty sense of sadness past couple days again. But really that's all it ever is anymore, desire without much extended suffering. I've been playing more games since now it's more comfortable for me to do so normally with a monitor that easier for me to work with. But I'm finding out that it's similar to just sitting in a casino playing games that are more chilled out and colorful with a lot to do like RPG's but more lonely and an absence of ridiculous amounts of second hand smoke. It's easy to just sink time into it and lose yourself in your thoughts completely unrelated. Then I just more or less realized that the only major difference is location and amount of distractions to my deep sense of unease with this world that's a mixture of things. All in all everything is just a distraction from total consciousness but whar really hurts always has the most pull and need for more distraction to stress less over it. On sunday I have no work so I'll actually be able to go to the Ren Faire, the worst day of all probably but it should be ok. Today on the other hand will just be filling my belly with bread and more grind for money I need to survive, to buy things I don't really want, to make no progress towards what I really want I can't have by money alone that I'm not making enough of to even buy a roof over my head anyways.
June 29th 2017 11:46 PM
Today I didn't do all that much until later where I just decided to try hooking up my new monitor to both my pc and hdmi for my console altogether and surprisingly having both wired up at once works. Looks awkward on this old desk and I hate having it so close to my face for the size but I did the best I could with what I currently got. I just have to get used to the wide screen look of my pc now and I'm coming to realize that VGA is just pretty crap picture wise no matter what monitor you use but at least this is easy on the eyes. But like I use this pc for anything much but basic crap while sometimes watching anime. The ps4 looks fine on it and in this position is ridiculously comfortable to play. Keeping the old one if anything happens or changes. It's pretty late now and I'm just screwing around with it a bit more but I think I'll at least sleep well tonight.
June 29th 2017 12:24 AM
It was a somewhat productive day where I spent some to download some games and really put my ps4 to the test and I can't wait to have it fully set up in a place where using it won't be a pain in the ass and the monitor will replace this piece of shit I'm using now. By the time I was done really doing much of anything it was past 11 PM and already almost time I would have normally went to bed. But now it's far later than I should be up and I'm sitting here drinking some rosemary tea. Someone brought home some sushi and I had that, I didn't really need it but I'm sure I worked my ass off enough this week to justify it. The only other work I seem to have I can't really do yet like move my new desk into the new place with some help and set it up before anything else once I get the keys. I've noticed my disgestive system has stopped reacting so weird to my improved breakfast which is a great thing signfying that I've cleaered enough of what was in me to better function all around. I was even out 2 whole times today with hardly anything in me foodwise and I barely broke a sweat. Felt what it was like to almost survive on hardly anything but very basic food and pure aether energy. I also seem to spawn hawks and ravens out of nowhere somehow to guard me, after actually seeing one just disappear in front of eyes and another hawk appear right above me today with no origin in a place where there never is any naturally it was certain to me. I'm slowly moving forward feeling my way around but it's so difficult just because of that, you just want to explode but you have a lot keeping you down at a constant. Tomorrow if I don't get called in I should be able to relax a little but it's barely enough. I don't need anymore rest, I need movement and I need it now.
June 28th 2017 12:29 AM
And I have made it through another shift at work, I'm dead tired but it got done. My ps4 has arrived and setting it all up went smoothly but I'm far too tired to even put another thought towards it at the moment even regarding where I'm going to put this thing in the old place. Plus for sound I gotta connect my sound system and that is staying put until I'm out. I don't wanna ruin any games before I move anyways so I'll probably just end up keeping the thing safe till then. At the moment I just want to get some rest soon here since I won't work for days and tomorrow is just gonna be another Wednesday but I have some stuff to do and I'm looking forward to making some dough later. I'm just at least happy a little of the recent madness is over and I can now just chill out and do whatever unless I get called in.
June 27th 2017 8:07 PM
I had a shitty dream and woke up to a gray horribly rainy day. It's also somewhat cooler today and later I gotta get back to work for the same time again while also hoping my package gets in safely before or while I'm there. See this is what "the machine" does, it will modify and mind control anything and everyone around me down to even sending me energy drains in these nightmare burst attempts to try to crush me out of existence and the only thing I can do is sit here and keep steady until it stops and I passed another one of its tests. I know it's just some game because one day I will wake up and be just fine like nothing even happened and I changed nothing. I have to say though this a good one, really has me grid locked in miserable agony for days.
June 26th 2017 11:21 PM
And I come home from work only to find nothing came at all and my ps4 will come tomorrow so seeing as the primary motivator for me to do anything to live through today never came I am royally pissed off that I'm gonna be fighting through another day of the same thing tommorrow for the same reason. Well I have to anyways but not being motivated when all you do is get pissed on is even worse. I'm hungry but I know having anything this late is a nightly death sentence so I'm gonna go to sleep on empty. My anger and frustration alone drained me enough this week. I had some peas before but I learned any normal amount of veggies right before work only leads to endless burping and an uncomfortable belly all day long. With the constant cold air on me all day at work, it really brings down the suffering even more making it feel like there is a cold stimulated python in my guts that likes to constrict every organ it can if it detects there's any food at all in there besides rice or bread. Really all I need is good rest but I don't think I'm getting that tonight either so tomorrow is gonna be another day in hell.
June 26th 2017 8:35 AM
I woke up already tired of this week, over the weekend no one came to pick up my mattress and I now have 20 dollars to spend on someone's birthday card which already put me in a sour mood. They better do that soon or I'm not gonna be a happy camper. Today my ps4 should come in and I can set that up but sadly that's the only bright side of what will be 2 more days straight of retail abuse. My motivation to work this week has been pure fury and will to survive. I don't exactly get that exhausted anymore since my energy is now exhaustless but I'm coming to find the constant negativity is what hurts the most that builds and builds on you with every degrading/offensive situation at work you have to deal with, with nothing but your own fruits of your efforts to numb any of the pain. This must be what hell really feels like, constant denial of life with dull blows to your sanity through insult for the rest of eternity with nothing that ever quite does much more damage. Just enough to create this river or torment effect where you can not live and can not die. Can only keep on pushing and keep steady, I keep in mind that if I don't things will only be worse so you best not let your mind snap. After all it's a game, no one probably hates you as much as the general community harassment squad wants you to think. You're just surrounded and isolated by them like a bunch of sharks waiting for you to do something stupid so they can feed like the parasites they are. I intend to never give them the chance.
June 25th 2017 10:15 PM
On a brighter note my ps4 might even come in on monday, not like I'm going to have much to do with the thing until I move but set up some stuff but at ;east I'll have a little more peace of mind because once I got that down it's mostly just gonna be a game of survival until I'm out. I can't do much in any area till I'm out and settled in completely. I'm probably just gonna be tending to my usual comforts until they at some point become obsolete and I can be just that more free.
June 25th 2017 9:40 PM
Today was an ordinary sunday plus work and it sucked major ass but I survived another shift when it felt like anything and everything was going wrong. Even had to sit in the office and complete some dumb things on the computer which is an electro sensitivity death sentence and I don't even know how anyone sits in there for a whole day on and off without losing their mind because I'm in for less than half an hour and my brain feels like scrambled eggs and the day is ruined on top of the disgusting toxins and heavy metal that get all over me at work I now desperately detox daily to the best of my ability (which by the way has helped a bit when I have to sit in places like that and work for a while). I can only come to the conclusion that I really am one of the last living brings on the planet and the most of the rest have become completely zombified and can no longer feel the damage these environments do to them. I now realize that all illness and mental illness is a fabrication of the toxin suppression system over the planet and the only way you can regain your strength is by eliminating all animal products, as much salt/sugar as possible, and using all the herbs you can daily to get out as much of the constant heavy metal/toxin assault as you can. All natural ways to go have been replaced by artificial death and illness. But like where I work, just one bad 8 hour shift in a place like a gas station can really send your health down the drain. I can now look at anyone and tell what they've been doing to themselves to get that way and it's so sad. So many lost souls, they can't save themselves. They don't know how to, they don't even know they are sick and don't know the oppressors they worship are responsible. Earth is like a really bad joke and they literally rub what they do to us in our faces through media and these dumb "insert 99.9% fake induced disease or common mental illness/birth defect caused by what is in everything you consume daily in one way or another" support/awareness events where they get the same people to give them money for it. I don't watch too many movies but I do watch anime casually now and since they realize it's not too popular outside of the mainsream hits they put it in plain sight in a lot of it and it becomes far more interesting when you know what the situation on earth is. Never mind rubbing it in your face it's just slammed down your throat as it mocks humanity in just about any show ever now and no one notices. Some shows are literally just various stories based on what's currently going on, on earth.
June 24th 2017 11:30 PM
I had a 10 hour shift today suddenly because someone didn't want to work, I'm aching because of the sudden extra hours with so much for 3 days in a row ahead but I couldn't afford to not take them. I wasn't running on much since my poor excuse for bread was shit and I'm going to Panera tomorrow just cause I'm still pissed at that and I need some in me for this week and the next because things are just too stressful to break out of that habit just yet. When I move and settle in I'll try to. Today the HDMI cable came in I ordered but I'm not even willing to try to use it with my new monitor yet to see how it works because I would have to unplug the old one completely, test it, and replug in the old one after which with my current desk would be a total pain in the ass that isn't worth it. My ps4 should be in on Tuesday, so I can't set up anything to do with that yet either. Just grinding away at work making it all back and then some this week. I would have more pride in my progress with what I'm working but just having it in mind that I'm mostly playing catch up because of a bigger purchase feels like a lot of pain for no gain. But now it's mostly just a lot of disgusting, somewhat irritating, boredom with the ridiculous amount of stress my body can take now. If I see it all as waiting but just not at home then it's far easier. Waiting ans turning my patience into money.
June 24th 2017 10:12 AM
Now that was mind blowingly flavorless, surprisingly it rose ok but there was just nothing at all to the taste. Imagine what would happen if those pretzels you see sold at every mall ever were completely plain and had olive oil instead of whatever other oil is used and more of it, and this is what you get. Well I had my fill though I regret it. I'm sorry belly.
June 24th 2017 7:38 AM
I think last night and this morning should be featured on a show called "How Not To Make Your Bread", hope it comes out at least edible. Work today shouldn't be too bad if I keep my head up, feel sort of weird cause I haven't had what was once an ordinary Friday night in a while and little changes like that tend to throw me off. Rather I'm probably just feeling a bit off altogether cause I'm living pretty in a pretty high stress environment right now where nothing is all that clear. But ever since I really integrated my new herbal routine I've been able to keep my head on during times like this much more easily. Not to mention my physical ability is now off the charts in terms of endurance what my muscles can handle despite not really going anywhere to the eyes. If I feel like this now then when I really get on my feet I am going to feel nearly invincible. Yesterday I was on my feet in summer heat all day long and didn't even get somewhat exhausted and in fact what was even more odd was I actually got more energy. The heat from the sun actually gave me more power and stable power at that, I used to not be able to handle it but now I can. I also sometimes accidentally now am able to casually move objects a little on my own but I can't control it well or know how exactly it works. I tried on a door but somehow accidentally ended up pushing something in another room and only slightly (less than half an inch of movement) moved the actual door. I'm ok with directing it with lighter objects in movement already but not much else as I try all the time throughout the day. I can use this on my physical body itself to which is very useful for lifting very heavy objects or movement when say I'm going up a hill or something and need to move my body from a point of higher power. I'm also pretty good at controlling my energy body now as all this increased and can easily change my outward appearance on it to influence the world around me. My favorite is being able to go into some odd stealth mode where I can draw as little notice to myself as possible in plain sight which is now very useful when you get a lot of "machine" harassment from the mind controlled hordes or completely turn off or at least curb peoples negativity towards me to make things go along smoother. All this power is on levels I can't explain well, I have a whole new range of ability to integrate physically. It's no longer novelty "well that was weird" stuff, I can now actually control and exercise these abilities. What am I not being told about myself? What is this and why has something so desperately wanted to keep me down so I couldn't get to this point my entire life (actually it still is)? I have so many questions and I don't even know who to ask.
June 23rd 2017 8:02 PM
This morning and afternoon I went on an adventure because a gamestop I could only get to by bus had a copy of Dragon Quest Heros I wanted according to the site but apparently it was only for my ps plus membership because it actually wasn't in stock and I had to go after it later today when I went out to eat. I felt great today with the only thing being that using dried cilantro on my breakfast tends to create some slight nausea but I don't know if that will stay or go. It's completely managable though and only limited to a feeling but it's just enough to notice. But it's permanently a part of it anyways because I can't afford to not keep up herbal routine now that quickly falling into place. I went to the buffet later and it was a experience alright but after going again during the summer like this so late and being so much healthier than I previously was it now feels very out of place for anytime but Winter. I want to be on my feet as much as possible now, feeling the way I do after and it still being so light outside feels odd, and after having the garbage there and a little bread afterwards if I stop at the newer Shoprite down the road a little ways if I got something else to pick up I just want to go to sit in my room for a while and go to sleep. I spent too much on bread speaking of that cause when I got home I had time to put together a loaf and opted for that but in my furious speed preparing of the dough I forgot to add the salt and we'll just see how that comes out. Pretty sure I'll live though, I think the yeast will just get a little too crazy too fast and I just won't get as much of a good final rise cause it already fed and slowed down too quickly only to be even less active in the final oven phases. Can't be bothered to care, it's edible I'll take it. I'm in no position to be picky right now. My hours next week by some divine miracle are a solid 40 meaning I'll make back much of what I spent on the new monitor, ps4 and games in a single paycheck with little left to finish off in the next couple week before everything is what it usually is again and forward. I want Disgaea 5 a bit and really want to play Nier: Automata but I'm waiting till the price drops on those. Same for Tekken 7 and the sequel to Dragon Quest Heros that's still really new. I'm in no rush though since I have the first one and The Division on the way to play online which I assume is pretty popular and will stay that way for a while. I don't have too much space for games in my life and I'll probably go at them at a slower pace. Got too many other things to worry about and before I even get too any fun it's gonna be a bit of an effort to get things into the new place and all wired up. I doing well but this waiting game is really putting my patience to the test now.
June 22nd 2017 10:20 PM
I won't say it was the worst day in the world but my ginger experiment left my belly in a little pain from the day before, I probably now won't be using it again. I like it but my body can't play well with the raw root I see all that well but at least I learned it can be used as an emergency laxative. All the rest of the herbs I use together are purifying enough anyways. I tried using cilantro on my breakfast and I'll try again tomorrow to see how I like that. Altogether though I'm feeling far calmer and less stressed physically since I really got heavy metal removal going after the initial reactions to it. Between all the herbs I now I use I am starting to find more keys to immortality but I need to keep going and finding out more and how to work with them the best. In the process of cleaning myself I noticed at work I have completely killed off all traces of any social anxiety to the littlest common things and once I get myself together from my digestive ginger disaster any major traces of physical movement errors/twitches/lock ups. Whatever I did also almost completely destroyed any trauma triggers and what's left is completely minimized. My bodily strength is better than ever. So whatever was in me was basically trying to suppress me from the inside and was even actually using memory clusters that match some sort of pattern to assault my freedom of mind and it's poison on my body in multiple areas, that's interesting I must say as infuriated as I am at what it has been doing and for how long when looking over my life. I have more thoughts and realizations on how it works and what it's a part of but I'm not turning this post into a book on it. But I will say that my god this is part of the reason why earth is the way it is and it's a mind/body hybrid virus like consciousness/energetic suppressor for not only that but putting the population in constant conflict with the rest of itself to cause total chaos and hell on earth. The possibilities are endless with this shit, now that's what I call true evil. In other news my monitor came in and it's great. I should be getting the ps4 and hdmi cables next week. Besides dusting and little routine maintanence my pc is now all set to move. Not much else to prepare. Now I'm mostly in a balancing and waiting game. Knee deep in the grind but I'm moving well through it for what it is so I'm just keeping patient and using a lot of islands of comfort to keep my head above the water as I get over this final wall. I take every chance at money I can, I keep my detox steady and incorporate it smoothly into daily life, and keep myself busy I'll live. Plus I'm looking forward to a trip to the old hibach tomorrow.
June 21st 2017 5:10 PM
So my father stopped over and for once if I don't work then Friday will actually be what was a typical night at the chinese buffet, probably been well over a month since I last visited the place. Really my head is just in tomorrow and I'm absent minded as ever seeing as until my new monitor comes in I can't do anything besides clean my keyboard which definitely needs a good clean up when I can. Cause I just wanna mess around with it and the HDMI outputs on my graphics card to see what does what there and if there's anything else I gotta do in that area besides giving the entire tower the biggest interior dusting of it's life. Thank god someone said they have face masks for me because I'm sick of getting sick every time I do any dusting that once I move into the new place that 93908358385 times cleaner overall I won't even have to deal with it much.
June 21st 2017 3:15 PM
I ended up ordering my ps4 today but FFXIV just isn't happening, maybe if it was free but no way am I paying that much yearly for a game that isn't even that fun. But I am spending my trade in money and the mattress money on dragon quest heros and online service for the year. Already over my budget by about $10 from shipping but I'll live. Also ordered The Division cause I sort of enjoyed that when I played it over someone's place before online. Today I also went out to the store to get ginger root and play mad scientist with it and I must say it's one ridiculously powerful root in more ways than it's anti-oxidant and cancer killing properties. Just half a chunk in a test batch of my usual spiced broccoli bumped the spice level (that even blended in with the crushed black pepper at that) through the roof and calmed my nerves almost too much for the middle of the day. Also stimulated my digestive system a bit too much for the time of day too leaving me a little bloated feeling and gassy/burpy. Also aparently a laxative cause I haven't shitted like this in an instant upon the ginger "taking root" in my system besides the time I had to take those stupid swiss kriss stimulant laxatives. Speaking of that I can't believe I somehow got rid of my addiction to them because that was one dangerous withdrawl episode of a couple weeks that I finished off with kava. Getting drunk to avoid withdrawls of something else was probably the most ridiculous way to survive but it worked. Looks like I'll never be taking any OTC meds ever again after what I learned recently through all this plant medicine research and experimentation. I found the cure to many things and even found a way in my diet somehow to stop aging greatly and even somewhat reverse it(but I can't pinpoint exactly what I'm doing right there). Will be using ginger in times to come....but at the right times. At least it's just a empty Wednesday afternoon for doing all I did today through research and buying more stuff I wanted as my bank account and wallet suffer. But I'll be working harder to get it back and then some in months to come. Or weeks really, it wasn't that much but I'm over protective and I know one slip up and there goes my job, so I pull as much hours as I can whenever I can. Well at least this high intensity grind to escape the place I live in smoothly and keep at it for months to come isn't borning. Fucking tiring as all hell though and the closer you get to tasting that victory the more you want it.
June 20th 2017 12:37 PM
And so I ordered the new monitor, might also need to buy more cable stuff for when I move into the new place but whatever that doesn't cost much and the only other stuff I need is new bed sheets. I may even get a ps4 down the line just because with that I now can and it'll look pretty nice but I'm getting the ps4 as bottom line priced with a little games I can immerse myself in. So yeah why should I deny it, my wallet better prepare for destruction as I finish up building a new foundation here but at least I'll try to minimize the impact. I might even have to worry about online payments if I get into that Final Fantasy MMO on top of ps plus but I can take it. But the good news is someone is buying an old matress of mine for $25 and tonight I have a chance at winning something on a lotto ticket someone gave me. We are getting so close to the end of the line in this old place though. Once this monitor and cable comes in if everything is set up for internet in the new place it's then time to give my pc some final touch ups/cleaning, start packing my final bags, and getting out for good. Chilling out is not easy at the moment especially with holding up my job that I'm being extra careful in trying to keep the money train going from to get over this hit in a month or 2 of pay.
June 20th 2017 7:49 AM
I do not want to go anywhere tonight but looks like I gotta, unless I get called into work in which I'll have an excuse not to but that doesn't seem to be happening. Just hoping I get called into for more anyways. I'll just continue saving anyways cause now I'm havingsecond thoughts on getting the Switch, as upon further inspection it looks like it was built really cheap and I won't use it much anyways. Guess my total boredom gets the best of my imagination sometimes, well all the time actually and it likes to kick me around daily seeing as all I can do most of the time is day dream about what I actually want. But sometimes it gets my wallet too. Better off just getting a better monitor for my pc at some point with a subscription to crunchyroll if I feel I need it for all the anime I want online since I'm pretty sure my hard drive going would be an even more expensive error. Funny thing is I got more than enough for anything now but I'm just more careful since I don't have anything to fall back on once my own money is gone. I mean when I worked my first job years ago I was absolutely wreckless with my money but built a whole new pc and gambled like an idiot but somehow still survived to the job I have now.
June 19th 2017 8:22 PM
Stuffing my face with steamed, spiced veggies and corn listening to some grunge like it's the dead middle of Winter here. Dark and ugly enough outside now to make it fit minus the brutal cold. Cilantro is very good on them, I'll continue to use it more often in small amounts. Once this all passes out my system I think I'll be far cleaner though eating this dish later in the evening when it's summer time in my room feels so out of place since that kinda bloated feeling of fullness goes so much more naturally with freezing winds, big hoodies indoors, and a general lack of physical self awareness that comes with it. I don't know why I'm actually nostalgic about it right now, talk about falling in love with your own misery because of familiarity. Speaking of that I can't wait to get out of this old place and start a new chapter of my life or at least move forward with what is already feeling like unknown, dangerous territory feeling my way around slowly building something new for myself to move from. I also will go through with getting a Nintendo Switch, it's a hit I can take soon here for something I can passively enjoy and I need to get over myself because in the end I lose it all anyways. Not like I can do much more gaming on a bigger screen or handle much else because of the accumlated permanent damage from my life to my brain and after detoxing and living a simpler life. I retained my hand eye cordination in terms of speed very well though. It also appears I've been pushed into going over the usual family member's place tomorrow night so I'm gonna have to literally eat that too but it's whatever. I'll live, I'm still recovering anyways. I still look fine minus looking tired more often or a little bloated time to time as I treat my body like a science experiment in toxin removal but even so I'm just fine cause I can barely feel my belly through my shirt at the worst for me now. I could tell at work by some I'm lusted after sometimes but I can't send the signal that I'm open. No one starts anything and I'm not the best at that. I just wait.
June 19th 2017 4:19 PM
It was a nice day for the most part and I was able to find dried cilantro in the store thankfully because I wanted to see what that does for me in my weekly detoxing now, I can't be having seaweed snacks all the time because that's getting expensive for just heavy metal removal and control but so far those helped me so much in combination with other herbs and using cinnamon in my breakfast now every morning that I feel like a new person. It was rough at first and there were times I felt like I was gonna die but I got over it all and now I'm finally in a stable clearing at least. I am now also considering getting the Nintendo Switch, never thought I would ever be interested in a game system ever again but it's like a portable system that can also be used on a TV. But the fact that the mini touch screen has it's own little stand and you can play it like one of those table top touch games but just commonly with a controller with modern games is what hooked me. So I'm gonna start doing a little more research on that and if I feel it's worth it instead of a 4 month span of silver then I'm gonna go for it soon. My life is just a little shakey right now and my job is also something I have to be very careful with and keep steady if I want to stay alive at the place at least another half a year or if I'm a real retail warrior than another loop around. But it's always something in hot water so it tends to nag me a bit when I go to pull the trigger on a bigger purchase like this. But if I take things slowly then I'll continue to survive there even at the risk of making myself look like a total over detail analyzing retail ass licking tool.
June 19th 2017 8:16 AM
I decided to come back to this page. But I'm feeling far better than I was since my last post as I made great progress in the way of detoxing myself and getting things organized where I'll be moving next. In a nutshell I just started taking so many herbs in my food and tea that whatever was infecting me would have no choice but to die and exit. My electrosensitivity also got easier to deal with. I think I'm just going to lay low this week and not go over my relatives place again which is for the better anyways since I need to break that habit. Where I'm going with things now in my life I don't know and honestly I it's too stressful to put much focus on that. Doing what I do is enough and I have many faces.
May 23rd 2017 11:15 PM
I woke up feeling pretty shitty today giving me more of an excuse not to go over my relatives place this week. Probably half from the detox stuff yesterday and half from general work stuff. I don't know what I want to do today but even though it's certainly not wasting away in front of my pc I can't think of much else since I also can't go sell anything as big as what I gotta sell to any shops on my own. I have an extra 10 dollars that someone was kind enough to give me yestersay from one of their scratch off wins. I was thinking about buying myself some sushi but I'm not sure I'll be too hungry later like usual cause I'm still having a little of that after detox digestive distruption but it sure fixed the issue up good. I even though of just going to gamestop and seeing what they got there but I don't think I even want to play on my 360 anymore. I'm tired and somewhat depressed (probably because what I did also saps some of base nutrient levels to get back) today but I'm just itching to get outside again still. I'll find something stupid to do with myself I'm sure though, I always do.
May 22nd 2017 10:01 PM
Today at work was so strange, it almost felt like one of those weird after effects of doing one of those willing dimension jumping exercises which I did do lately. There was 2 new people and vibe I got was just strange. People were unfamiliar, my friend there I saw came in acted slightly different to me than usual along with his girlfriend and even dressed/looked slightly different. Same went for my manager, I felt like I was in the twilight zone. The fact that much of the time was one of them that looked like my manager previously looked was just going on about relationship garbage openly making me feel like shit was the icing on the mind bending cake and the fact their all ugly as fuck but somehow do far better there is baffling and doesn't rub any less salt in the wound. Doesn't help I didn't feel too well as it was cause I just had to do the lawn yesterday and had no good face mask so my neck has been practically having an allergic reaction to itself for the entire couple days now and the supplement I need to take to clear out the toxins already makes me feel weird as it is when I do. My life is a thousand flavors of fucked up right now. Not even going over my relatives place tomorrow because fuck feeling worse from that on top of it all. My frustration with life is so sky high that I don't think it can get higher without falling over. Can only hope I wake up tomorrow feeling better either way I'm playing it safe and making myself some rice and being done with it. The world around me lately feels like it's made of pure grinding pain and I had enough.
May 22nd 2017 12:45 PM
What a slow day, these sudden shifts in weather always mess me up. Just gotta shave quick but nothing else to do and I just played on my frame drum for a while not too long ago. I have to work a little later but I can handle it today for a normal shift. It's a very empty feeling day like I live in some long abandonned trash house that time forgot. Sitting here looping some track from Eccojams vol.1 that's a loop in itself of "there's nobody here" over and over again to some ambient beat like atmosphere is quite fitting. Just me, my cat, and a bunch of nagging day dreams that on days like this tease me more cruely than putting a treat on a string for a dog and pulling it away over and over again. Even work on days like this is lonely, no one but whoever has to be there most of the day is there and it's usually just the typical daily zombies that hover around all day every day playing scratch off's and buying cigs. I don't know how they do it and how any human being can be so void of any life at all. Where do they even get the money to do that all day long? I try to tune in to what energy their outputting out of curiosity if it's slow and put myself in their shoes but I barely get that, it's like there's nothing much there at all as if they don't even have a soul. Very strange, I heard about the majority on earth right now being souless organic portals and that's probably the best examples of such I have. They range from extremely mean and aggressive to completely emotionless altogether. You can't really get any communication out of them either, no authentic conversation to be had unless it's some pop culture or basic social norm back and forth chat stuff that triggers them, and then it's just draining to interact because it's all they're programmed to know before they turn off again and go back to doing what zombies do all day which in my experience is eating fast food and playing with a smart phone, while they smoke and play the lottery occasionally. When you notice them in swarms to the point where you can actually see the one's with a soul in there like they tend to do otherwise on more active days it's really creepy. Just a swaying line of these negative empty shells waiting to consume their shell's favorite ready made commercial trash of choice with no other desires or strong motives. It's so miserable and ugly to experience that you sometimes just want to quit right on the spot.
May 22nd 2017 10:33 AM
What a difference from last night, today is cool gray and I was just left with some chemtrail sickness feeling stuff in my body from yesterdays yard work. Last night at the store I actually picked up more of that specific kind of dish soap that we had before the other bottle at home ran out just for cleaning my skin since I found that the new brand that was just ordinary stuff didn't do too much good. So if that's true since I used the old brand this morning then that means whatever is in the air is so bad that only the most concentrated skin cleaner can get it off and even after that you gotta use aloe gel or it's gonna be irritated implying that it somehow bonds to you through the oils on your skin and then just causes whatever it wants from there. The actual every day hand soap that's pushed hard for the public to buy does NOTHING at all for you I'm finding besides a little bit from the pure 99.9% bacteria killing mini santizer stuff, what's that say about what dirty business they're in on? Took a iodine and selenium supplement not too long ago I bought and that cleared the inner toxin party up pretty quickly with minimum aftershock. Well at least I found out now exactly how to get it out of my system for the most part because that even cleared what was left of my running nose and weird feeling throat. Ugh just pisses me off what we have to breathe in and deal with every day. I'm actually finding that it's the root of almost all sickness on earth probably a good 90+% of it actually based on what I learned from cleaning myself up and what I felt. I don't even want to say anymore on earth's current situation from this ranty post, dare not speak it even here. Create the problem --> provide fake solution that causes more problems and generates more business and power for the corrupt system --> repeat. World of madness.
May 21st 2017 9:00 PM
From doing the lawn before I was reminded why I never want to do it ever again at least not without a face mask on anyways. All that dirty dust that's settled all over the ground gets kicked up in masses and makes you feel pretty nasty. So I sat around inside till later and decided to head out for a trip to the store and for coffee. Which totally turned that mood upside down even though my body in ways still is feeling lawn nasty. The entire long walk left me almost overcharged with energy. With such a combination of sleep deprivation and all else, with this I can't even tell what I should be focused on. I had some peas and mustard, classic heat and eat "I need some food right now and it's late" meal in an attempt to give my body something else to chill with but it didn't seem to do much and I'm just listening to music and trying to be productive before I pass out. I'm happy with what I ordered and got out of the way today and I even decided to now actively start practising using my frame drum. I might go down to the local music shop and see if they have a carrying bag because that's the only issue. I even had the idea that I could probably take it to the Ren Faire and pretend I'm actually performing there and see how that goes. Sure people bring their own instruments all the time to entertain passing crowds throughout the day. I should also buy a silly hat to wear. Overall tonight I am suddenly feeling some overwhelming power. This feels like something reserved for demigods, I couldn't even contain what I'm feeling and normally sustain such a divine form a year ago. The more I move the more I have room for it. Last night I even had yet another vision of the great wave I never talked about. Something crashed into earth and I was somewhere in a vacation like hotel area outside. For some reason my vision flickered from a frozen state of the world and what it currently was then I saw the wall of water crash into everything and I drowned making wake up in a rather energetic fashion. I remember the world freezing over in other visions and in this the world switched between it in what was an aftermath of this wave at some point I knew as much. I was told in it that I should grasp only this power and that it will ruin all else. Use it and have fun with it but remember that power corrupts. I don't even need to do anything with this I just resonate and uncontroably or partially anyways since I somewhat have a grasp on it manifest things. God what a problem I never thought I'd have. So much inhuman power that it sometimes just leaks all over the place creating random things, fueling my entire being, and making me have such unearthly attraction that I can sometimes even lust over myself by accident and forget I want someone else for a minute. Talk about being the faith I keep.